Dr. Internet here,

I've been helping people on the Help With Life board for some time now, and the numbers of successfully healed individuals grows exponentially every day. However, I can't always be there to give you the kind of advice you really need (even if you don't want it) so I've devised a list of Frequently Asked Questions here on the Help with Life Board and partnered them with my certified helpful answers. Let's begin the healing!

1. Should I tell the person I like that I like them?

Absolutely not! You don't want to be happy do you? And certainly that person can read your mind already and knows full well how you feel.

2. I want to stop cutting myself. How do I do this?

Stop being an emo, yah damn emo. The world sucks enough without you dragging the rest of us down with you because you can't cope with not having the latest My Chemical Romance CD. You make me sick. Go cut yourself to remind yourself that you're alive.

3. I'm thinking about college but don't know what I should go for. How do I figure out what I should go to college for?

Don't. Stop right there. First off, how old are you? 16? Focus on being a bratty highschooler before you become a bratty, worthless college student. And given that you're on these forums on a ART website, maybe you should go to college for art or writing? Just a guess.

4. I have some inane question regarding the circumference of a moose, are you going to reply?

Begrudgingly. It's (Michael Douglas x Douglas Adams)^2 by the way.

5. My boyfriend/girlfriend is behaving in an extremely predictable manner, what should I do?

Make a post about it on the forums, we love hearing about the same shit over and over.

6. I am insecure about my art and need some praise from strangers to feel better, can you help me?

Your lack of talent is beyond help. Now go mop up the urine stains around my toilet.

7. So this guy I know was talking to this girl and I think the guy likes me even though the girl is hot and stuff and I was just wondering if I should go after the guy or the girl because i'm like cute enough for both of them I don't know maybe I should just have them both and not let either of them know because I'm such an awesome ninja pirate (OMG I LOVE JOHNNY DEPP) also since i'm at it what color should I dye my hair I think purple with red and orange would great around my awesome face you don't think I'm too self centered do you?

Hey now, let's have some punctuation please. First off, any post that is too long and filled with mindless banter like this will be met with hostility. But since you're so cute and adorable and probably underage, I'll make sure to try to offend you even more.

8. I need to know what this guy/girl is thinking! Please tell me because all people of the same gender think exactly alike and have some sort of hive-mind-borg-thing going on!

You're absolutely right, all men and all women have the same exact thoughts. But don't worry all you need to remember is that you will be assimilated and resistance is futile.

9. I have a question to which the answer is completely obvious but I like attention, what should I do?

Kill yourself.

10. OMG Dr. Internet! I love your posts so much! Will you marry me?

No, but I will mate you long enough to have my way and throw you to the curb. You can come back again tomorrow if you want, but don't expect any different results.


That's all for now! Depending on how much e-props I get, there might be more FAQs and answers coming along!

Also, if you feel like it, try to get this stickied in the Help With Life forums if you want. I can't be bothered to try.

Previously:
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Dr. Internet here,

I'd just like to mention that I appreciate the attention that I have been getting, particularly the random praise I find in my message center.

Additionally, I would also like to mention that this account will not hold much art at all, and instead it is used mostly for giving the kind of advice on forums that you've seen already.

So, if you've come here, seen the single deviation and are looking forward to seeing more like it, then you will be disappointed. This is not without promise of new art though, as my main art account is over at [link] .